Buffalo bugs and hooded intruders

After nearly stepping on a frog on the way to bathroom at 4am, it was no surprise to find a huge, hairy-legged spider on the way back to bed. Strangely, you don't see many spiders in Thailand, but when you do meet one, they usually make a sensory impression.

When we designed our house, our main aim was to create a cool, airy space with maximum circulation. Unfortunately, the surrounding ambling wildlife often mistakes our efforts to beat the heat, as an open invite to our home.

Geckos are part of the furniture here, but if only frogs, scorpions, centipedes and worms weren't so thick-skinned they would realize their place - outside. At least the lost terrestrial crab on our terrace had some manners and made a sideways scamper in the opposite direction of the door.

I have a phobia of winged creature - so my goose bumps reached new heights when I found out Thai cockroaches could fly. These big, brown, aggressive brutes have no place in the world, never mind a person's living space. Their scuttling speed of three kilometres per hour, and ability to live for a month without a head, just makes them even more despicable.

Daily encounters with Thailand's air force of bugs and beasts has helped me overcome my fear, to a certain degree. I mean, I can finally appreciate the beauty of a butterfly, but I still don't like the flapping. And not close to my ears - no way.

A primary school trip to Edinburgh Butterfly Farm haunted me for years. I remember reluctantly edging around the thriving swamps with my neck buried in my shoulders and my hands tightly cupping my ears. If only butterflies were the only thing batting around my lobes now!

Waking up to a raucous roar of machinery one morning, I squinted at the cloud of rising dust and wondered what innovative Thai architecture might be on the horizon. A rash of pink and purple painted apartment blocks is spreading rampantly throughout Krabi town, so perhaps the epidemic had reached our little leafy enclave?

I was surprised to find out from a neighbour, that the land clearance was actually down to a council initiative to prevent forest fires. In Thai, that means something very different, as forward-thinking is a very foreign strategy in these parts. A big chilli councillor with a development plan up his sleeve would be more believable. But that's just a guess based on the familiar-smelling smoke.

After a noisy, mechanical-induced dust storm, the grassy wilderness was completely uprooted and the land at the side of our house lay bare and exposed. My friend pointed out that nothing could hide there now, raising her eyebrows suggestively. According to Thai superstition - talk of snakes while in the jungle, ensures an encounter.

Suddenly, I visualized the mass exodus. As soon as the thundering machinery sent penetrating shockwaves through the earth, hordes of hooded serpents would have parted the long grass in a stealthy search for safety.

Of course they knew which direction to slither. Our garden centre is an aid centre for snakes on the run; the abundance of frogs, ponds and foliage means unlimited food, water and shelter. Sometimes we find them coiled up in post-Christmas dinner position, bulging and lethargic, after engulfing a whole frog or rat.

Fortunately, snakes don't usually hangout in gangs, so we still don't know if we have one wandering cobra, or the entire Krabi cobra connection are laying their claim to our land. Regular cobra sightings suggest the word is out: 'the grass really is greener on the other side. It's an all you can eat and drink party for spear-tongues in the hood at Greenfingers Garden Centre '.

There are other choices

Back home we have so many ways of greeting each other: ‘alright’; ‘what about ye’; ‘what’s happening’; or ‘how’s it going’. All just another way of saying ‘hello, how are you’, or ‘hello, what’s the craic’ to be more dialectally specific.

Any one of these greetings usually initiates a ‘yarn’. This can cover a lot of ground, sometimes interweaving the entire town, county, community and anything else that can be knitted in along the way to add more colour and substance to the story.

But in Ireland, that’s just catching up. It’s an enjoyable way of sharing the highs, lows and whatever life throws, usually with someone who’s interested.

So while negotiating the tangled ropes of Thai culture, it was funny to find out the equivalent street side greeting in Thai language is: ‘have you eaten rice yet?’.

After considering the scale and regularity of the average Thai’s daily rice consumption, it almost made sense. Rice definitely seems to hold the same essentiality in Thai daily life as ‘craic’ does back home.

In the beginning I would recount my last meal, usually with great passion and detail. Sometimes I found myself explaining that I had eaten, but I chose something other than rice. Rice is good, but there are other choices. Don’t you know that?

It didn't take me long to realise regurgitating my lunch wasn't on the menu. A simple ‘yes’ suffices, regardless of what your belly might be telling you. It isn't a question, it’s just their traditional greeting. Food (rice) is so intrinsic to Thai culture, it would be rude not to enquire, but it is simply a greeting.

During an English lesson, I asked my group of seven year olds about their favourite food. I wondered which foods Thai parents rationed, as in my experience that’s how the tooth-rotting culprit rises to the hyper-heights of favouritism.

No doubt, a class in Derry would be dribbling over their jotters while concocting a pic n’mix of every naughtiness under the sun, from ice-cream to flumps. They might finally have to agree on chips, but only if they had to pick one - just one.

But the Thai students wasted no time deliberating; it was an easy pick - rice of course! They probably thought I was crazy for asking. If only I could eat three plates of my favourite food every day. Then again, I have absolutely no doubt it would loose its rank after the third day, or at least by the sixth.

So how does this nation of carboholics stay so incredibly svelte despite their anti-Atkins/South Beach/diet-of-the day regime? Let’s just say the logic of this culture follows a programme proven to achieve the most curvaceous results.